It is Finished.

Well, the deed has been done. She has moved. Boxes are unpacked – for the most part – and bed made. We got groceries for the cupboards and the coffee pot is set up on the counter. She is in her element. And Mum? She has no idea how to identify the feels that are whirling around inside her.

I was over at the house helping put things away. At one point I noticed that Kenzie was getting a bit irritated with me. Apparently, I was being a bit too much of a “Mum” for her comfort. That is when I decided it was time to leave and let them set up the rest of the house themselves. Most of the work had been done, we were just down to the spare parts and trying to figure out where the odds and ends belonged.

I left them with directions on when Kenzie needed to eat next and what time she should get up and have breakfast in the morning. The girls dropped me at home and went off on their merry way.

Since then, I have been feeling this whirling sense of being unsettled. I feel guilty. I feel a bit lost. I don’t think I feel anxious or worried. Just out of sorts.

Guilty

I think I feel guilty because someone else is taking care of Kenzie. It has been my job for a long time and now to have someone who isn’t her father or her brothers being responsible for her seems… imposing somehow. I feel like I have dumped her on someone. I know that isn’t logical, but there it is.

Lost

Eighteen years of taking care of someone takes a lot of energy. Planning their meals, counting carbs, figuring out insulin, planning outings – these things all take time and effort. Now I am at home without her. I know I still have a lot of work to do to get things going, such as explaining her schedule to Ashley, figuring out logistics and everything but right now, in this moment, she isn’t my responsibility. Now what?

Anxious or Worried

It might seem odd to some people, but I rarely feel anxious or worried about Kenzie. At least, not in the general, what happens if, kind of way. I save my worrying for the more tangible things. Somehow, deep down, I have peace knowing she is going to be just fine. I trust Ashley’s judgment and I know Kenzie has a high level of independence.

Something else might surprise you. Even with her room looking clean and bare, I haven’t cried once. At least, not yet.

Oh, and I am trying really hard to refrain for texting them to see what they are doing.