It is Finished.

Well, the deed has been done. She has moved. Boxes are unpacked – for the most part – and bed made. We got groceries for the cupboards and the coffee pot is set up on the counter. She is in her element. And Mum? She has no idea how to identify the feels that are whirling around inside her.

I was over at the house helping put things away. At one point I noticed that Kenzie was getting a bit irritated with me. Apparently, I was being a bit too much of a “Mum” for her comfort. That is when I decided it was time to leave and let them set up the rest of the house themselves. Most of the work had been done, we were just down to the spare parts and trying to figure out where the odds and ends belonged.

I left them with directions on when Kenzie needed to eat next and what time she should get up and have breakfast in the morning. The girls dropped me at home and went off on their merry way.

Since then, I have been feeling this whirling sense of being unsettled. I feel guilty. I feel a bit lost. I don’t think I feel anxious or worried. Just out of sorts.

Guilty

I think I feel guilty because someone else is taking care of Kenzie. It has been my job for a long time and now to have someone who isn’t her father or her brothers being responsible for her seems… imposing somehow. I feel like I have dumped her on someone. I know that isn’t logical, but there it is.

Lost

Eighteen years of taking care of someone takes a lot of energy. Planning their meals, counting carbs, figuring out insulin, planning outings – these things all take time and effort. Now I am at home without her. I know I still have a lot of work to do to get things going, such as explaining her schedule to Ashley, figuring out logistics and everything but right now, in this moment, she isn’t my responsibility. Now what?

Anxious or Worried

It might seem odd to some people, but I rarely feel anxious or worried about Kenzie. At least, not in the general, what happens if, kind of way. I save my worrying for the more tangible things. Somehow, deep down, I have peace knowing she is going to be just fine. I trust Ashley’s judgment and I know Kenzie has a high level of independence.

Something else might surprise you. Even with her room looking clean and bare, I haven’t cried once. At least, not yet.

Oh, and I am trying really hard to refrain for texting them to see what they are doing.

Prom Night

When Kenzie was young, I hung out with a group of Moms who also had kids with down syndrome. We spent a lot of time talking about our hopes and dreams for our children and trying to imagine their future.

Last night was Mackenzie's prom. After all the excitement was over and I was laying in bed  last night, I realized that all my hopes and dreams for this evening had come true.

She experienced all the excitement, celebration and love that every graduate should feel on such an evening. She looked and felt like a princess, she was surrounded by people who were proud of her and celebrated her achievements. There was romance in the air and a protective father (or two) hovering nearby.

The day began with a trip to the salon where she underwent a transformation that all women dream about. Her hair was sprayed, curled, twisted and pinned into her crowning glory. Her makeup was perfect. When she got home and slipped into her dress, shoes and earrings, she was more than ready!

Oh but wait! we almost forgot one thing...

Now we are ready!

A limousine ride had been arranged by one of the parents. This included taking a group of kids down to the legislative grounds for pictures and then a cruise up and down Whyte Avenue for the traditional honking and waving that grads like to do in this town.

Us parents met the graduates at the convention centre for the official start. All the kids looked wonderful - so happy, excited and proud. We parents alternated between looking proud and a bit stunned!

Kenzie couldn't wait for her Dad to show up. There is something in every little girl that seeks her fathers approval and love. Well, he showed up, and she got it. He kept telling her how beautiful she looked and how proud he was of her. Even when she wasn't around he said he loved her dress and that it was absolutely stunning and perfect for her. Every picture of them together shows the pride on his face, and no more so than the first dance when grads danced with their parent.

Of course, dancing with your parent is exciting. Thrilling even. But nothing, and I mean nothing, beats dancing with a young man. A young man your parents said would have to wait for you until you graduated. A young man you are not allowed to date until you are 18. A young man who has been telling you how pretty you are. A young man who makes you feel all twitterpated.


Oh yeah. Dad? Dad Who?

Of course, that was not the last dance of the evening. Not by far. There were fast dances, slow dances, robot dances, group dances and slow dances to fast music. Whether dancing with her beau or with a group of friends, she didn't want to stop.


One of the highlights for me was when the night was almost over. Her friend had left and so had most of the attendees. A few clusters of dancing groups were left on the dance floor. She had come to sit with us and rest. Then, the Village People started to sing YMCA. She popped up from her seat and without a word to us, headed out to the dance floor by herself. We laughed and commented that she didn't need anyone to dance with to have fun. Before she had been out there a moment or two, a guy from one of the groups came over to her and started dancing and showing her how to do the YMCA hand signals. After the dance was over, he bent down, gave her a hug and disappeared. Another song started and a group of girls pulled Kenzie into their circle and she continued dancing.

The ease and self-confidence my daughter displays astounds me. I'm sure that when I was her age, I didn't have it as together as she does!

Year ago, I wished for happiness, acceptance and as normal a life as possible for my beautiful baby girl. Last night I watched a fairytale come to life.

Anxiety Dreams and a Building Bedroom Suite

I had a very odd dream last night. I dreamt the sun exploded, the wind started to blow and it went completely dark. Kenzie was with her Grandpa and they came into the house to find me.  Kenzie then said "Jesus said I have to go now and see the world" and then she very happily took off skipping down the road, onto a dock & got on a ship with some girl. I asked her about her diabetes and she said "don't worry, I have all I need in my backpack". Then I woke up. Hmmmmm... anxiety dream yah think? lol!


Kenzie was over at the house today helping her big brother put together her new bedroom suite. 

She is such a carpenter - check out her hammering skills.....

More Freedom

We just bought Kenzie a new phone. An iPhone no less! I am amazed at how quickly she has picked up how to use it. She can now text, which she couldn't do on her old phone. I hadn't really thought about it before, but the touchscreen is much easier for her to use than the old style cell phone. She can also access her Facebook account and she is busy taking pictures left, right and centre!

As she takes the pictures, we are adding them to the corresponding phone number in her contact list. That way if she happens not to recognize someone's name when they call, she can see their picture.

So, to all of those on Kenzie's Facebook friend list, I apologize if you get a whole lot of posts asking you how you are doing lol!

Graduation!

Well, the first half anyway.

Last weekend Kenzie had her Cap & Gown ceremony. She got to walk across the stage, accept her diploma, get lots of pictures taken, throw her hat up in the air and grin from ear to ear.

She cracked me up when the first thing she said when she got off the stage was "Now I can move out!" I had to remind her she still has a month of classes left and then her prom. Can't wait for the fancy dress, hair and make up at the end of June!!

Families Forward Meeting

The hubby and I noticed an ad in the local paper about a group meeting to discuss issues with transitioning children with disabilities into adulthood. It was organized through the Gateway Association and is called Families Forward.

Wow, the stories they had! It made me feel even more confident that the decisions we have made with regard to Kenzie are the right ones. So many of the families are using Robin Hood (the local special needs service agency) and having all sorts of problems. It just reinforced that I don't want to have a service agency responsible for my daughters care.

What disturbed me the most was the sense of helplessness that was in the room. They felt as if they had no choice but to use Robin Hood and they had already decided what their child would or would not be able to accomplish in life. Among some of them, there was a defeatist attitude that speaks to years of frustrating advocacy for their child.

Having said all of that, I think I will be returning. I hope though that the group is handled a bit differently. It would be great to split the group up into conversation groups of like minded families. Some of the families are still searching for options, some are trying to solve problems and some are gathering information. The ones that were looking to solve problems spent most of the time talking and it painted quite a bleak picture.

One of the highlights of my evening was re-meeting a friend and her daughter. Her daughter is 4 years older than Kenzie but I can tell they could be great friends - they are both very self-possessed, articulate young ladies with a lot of hopes and dreams. I gave the young lady my card and I am hoping that we can connect at some point and introduce the girls. A future roommate perhaps??

Are They Ever Ready?

It is hard to believe it is only 2.5 months until Kenzie moves out. Time is going by so quickly, and before you know it, the snow will be gone. (I can dream, can’t I?)

I’ve been dealing with a wide range of emotions from excitement to fear. There have also been a lot of questions. But the one question that keeps popping up in my mind is – “is she ready?”

The only answer I have been able to come up with is – “I think so”. The fact of the matter is, I have no idea. I don’t even know how to tell. With our other kids, we look at their level of maturity, their ability to cope in the world, whether they can get up, brush their teeth and get themselves to work or school on time. But when you child is cognitively delayed, how can I tell if she is mature enough? Sure, she can get up and brush her teeth and get ready for school, but she relies on us to make sure she knows what bus to catch and what time she has to be there to get on it.

What I mean is, she will never be able to take complete care of herself, so I can’t wait and use that as a gauge. I can only go on my motherly instinct. My gut. And prayer.

Why do I think she is ready to live on her own? Well, here are some things she tells me:

“it’s time I get a life of my own Mum”

“It’s my house and Ashley’s Mum, you can’t come over without our permission”

(this when I informed someone I imagined I would be at her house a fair bit)

“I’m an adult you know, I can make my decisions”

Now, I know, lots of kids can say these types of things, but with Kenzie, I have to give them more weight than usual. By her words she is expressing a desire to be her own woman, to step out and find out who she is – without Mum hovering around. In the absence of other measuring tools, I have to pay attention to her words.